Rayna Neises wrote an excellent book entitled No Regrets about caring for her dad. But I wonder, is it possible to have no regrets?
I cared for my mom for three years through her battle with normal pressure hydrocephalus, my dad for another three years dealing with multiple health issues, and my mother-in-law, who lived with us for four years before she passed away at 100. I advocated for them, interfaced with doctors and insurance companies, and served them in a thousand-and-one ways to keep them as safe and well and happy as possible.
But no regrets?
The Emotional Reality of Caregiving
Sometimes tempers flared, both theirs and mine. Sometimes fun outings seemed like another task on my plate. Sometimes exhaustion set in, and I just didn’t feel I could do one more thing.
No matter how much we do for and with our loved ones, it seems we always feel we should have done more or done it differently. Especially after they pass away.
Letting Go of Regret
Yes, we could have done some things better, but a road paved with regrets is a sad road to travel.
If your feet are set on this path, I urge you to give yourself grace, the same grace you give your loved one. You’re not perfect. You can’t do it all and survive this season of caregiving. Admit that in advance or paste it in your rearview mirror.
Grace, Not Perfection
Whatever stage you’re in—actively caregiving or grieving your loved one—forgive yourself for any perceived wrong, acknowledge that you did your best, and kick regret to the curb. You, too, have fought the good fight.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
1 Timothy 4:7 NIV
Tracy Crump dispenses hope in her award-winning book, Health, Healing, and Wholeness: Devotions of Hope in the Midst of Illness (CrossLink Publishing, 2021). A former intensive care nurse, she cared for her parents and her mother-in-law and understands both the burdens and joys of caregiving. Her devotions have been featured in Guideposts books, The Upper Room, and many other publications, and she has contributed 25 stories to Chicken Soup for the Soul® books. She also conducts writing workshops, produces a newsletter for writers, and does freelance editing. But her most important job is Grandma to five completely unspoiled grandchildren.
As hard as we try, no one is perfect. Only when we turn everything over to our perfect God can we find the peace and forgiveness we need to carry us through this challenging journey
Thank you, Diana. You’re so right. I guess it’s our human nature to feel regrets. But God says He removes our sin as far as the east is from the west.
Excellent and timely as my brothers and I are providing care for our parents. Thanks for your ministry
Thank you for reading, Joy! Praying now for you and your brothers.
This is such an important message. I hope it reaches everyone who needs to read this. I took care of my dad through his cancer journey. Then caring for my mom through Alzheimer’s while dealing with both in-laws’ health issues got to be crushing. With mom’s care, it seemed like I faced impossible choices all the time–choices complicated by her degenerative lung disease and my battle with advanced Lyme disease. We’re not perfect, and we all have limits. God knows that. Praise be that He extends grace and love in whatever measure we need.
Oh, my, that was so much on you at once, Lana. Yes, we do face impossible choices sometimes. Your sentiments are spot-on.