Guest post by Alison van Schie
Toward the end of my career in social work, I began working with the elderly as a certified caregiving consultant, specifically with caregivers of loved ones with dementia. Having a keen interest in human behavior, I observed common threads in interactions between the caregiver and their care recipient. It struck me how often the caregivers’ automatic responses were to correct their loved ones. Here are three examples.
The first interaction involved an adult daughter and her mom playing cards. When her mom wasn’t playing by the rules, the daughter corrected her. The mother wasn’t trying to be difficult. She just couldn’t remember the game’s rules, and her daughter’s corrections left her feeling embarrassed, belittled, and confused.
Another instance involved a daughter who repeatedly corrected her mom when she didn’t remember things—including who her daughter was—and this made the visit seem uncomfortable, even cold.
Then there was the husband who became frustrated when his wife could no longer keep up with him in activity and conversation. He corrected her for her inability to answer simple questions quickly or accurately. His agitation led her to become upset with herself and angry with him.
All three instances involve caregivers who dearly loved their care recipients. Whether they realized or not, their approach impacted their interactions. It was hard for them to accept that their loved ones were losing their cognitive skills and their behavior was changing. They may have found it less difficult if they used a technique to frame the activity for success within their loved ones’ changing limitations.
The techniques are quite simple. In the first scenario, the daughter can encourage mom to play cards her way—improving the interaction and leaving mom feeling included, dignified, social, and loved.
In the second example, if mom no longer recognizes her daughter, it can be helpful to use a proactive approach at the start of each visit, such as saying, “Hi Mom. It’s me, your daughter Betty, and I’m here for a great catch-up.” This sets the stage for a less confrontational and frustrating visit and more enjoyable time together.
Thirdly, letting go of expectations and learning to welcome, accept, and wait for his partner’s answer—whether right or wrong and perhaps while holding her hand—leaves her feeling encouraged and valued.
By adjusting our approach and response, we can hold space with our loved ones and enjoy each moment as we respond and validate their emotions, focusing on who they still are and what they can still do.
Doesn’t that sound like a better automatic response?
God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him
as you have helped his people and continue to help them.
Hebrews 6:10 NIV
Alison van Schie is a certified caregiving consultant and founder of Alongside Caregiver Consulting, providing professional support to caregivers of folks with dementia. She is a retired social worker who entered the world of podcasting during the Covid pandemic to bring encouragement and resources through caregiver stories on the Island Treasures podcast for caregivers.
Tracy Crump dispenses hope in her award-winning book, Health, Healing, and Wholeness: Devotions of Hope in the Midst of Illness (CrossLink Publishing, 2021). A former intensive care nurse, she cared for her parents and her mother-in-law and understands both the burdens and joys of caregiving. Her devotions have been featured in Guideposts books, The Upper Room, and many other publications, and she has contributed 22 stories to Chicken Soup for the Soul® books. She also conducts writing workshops, freelance edits, and proofreads for Farmers’ Almanac. But her most important job is Grandma to five completely unspoiled grandchildren.
Hi Tracy,
When I was working at the hospital, we had a retreat with our department and one of the events was to have everyone write down 5 things that were most important to them. Then it was explained that each of our department members have been diagnosed with dementia and some of their choices were taken away. They had to choose 2 of the items they had written down and toss them into the middle of the circle we were sitting in. We explained that elderly sometimes have their choices taken away. That is why it is so important to offer those we are caring for if they want to wear the pink sweater or the blue sweater. It keeps them making decisions that are safe for them to make and keeps them engaged. You don’t realize these things until you are faced with the situation directly. I sure appreciate all you do to be of service to others in this way. God bless.
Beautiful illustration, Pam! Thank you for sharing it.
Very good advice, Alison! Thank you. I’ve seen some of the mentioned scenarios, and it seems to confuse the person even more and hinder them further. I will try to keep these tips in mind.
I can imagine myself doing some of the same things, Sarah. We just want so badly for them to be the person they used to be, but it’s not within our power.
Thanks Sarah! So many of us continue interacting with a loved one, friend, or neighbor who has dementia, the way we always have – without any foreknowledge of how best to approach them now that they have dementia. By learning and using a gentle and effective approach we can make each encounter more meaningful for both the caregiver and care recipient in that moment.
Thank you for these powerful, practical reminders, Alison. Blessings.
So many times we don’t think about these things in the moment, do we?
Thank you Diana, they certainly are practical; and they can make such a positive difference in the experience for both the caregiver and their care recipient.
So true, Alison. I can see myself falling into the same traps as those you talked about. I think part of it is just wanting so badly for them to remember and be the person they used to be.
Tracy, it is easy to act (react) automatically and as you say, fall into those same traps. as it’s very difficult (and often painful) to let go of our expectations as we want to cling on to who our loved ones were. Instead we need to learn to accept who our loved ones are now with the changes brought about by dementia and through our interactions we can be present with them in the moment as we meet their emotional needs.
So true, Alison. Thank you for your wise words.