Guest post by Angie Clayton

My dad has Alzheimer’s, and my mom is overwhelmed. The problem is she can’t see it yet and refuses all offers of help, for her or for Dad. He is slipping away from me, bit by bit, and she has adopted a defensive posture (in line with her deep need for control) that is so difficult. I want to partner with her, to walk side by side on this journey, to do it together.

I’ve tried valiantly to make this happen, but it has not. Instead, she’s pushed me away. Hard. With statements to other people (then repeated to me) about how I’m “over-helping” and “all over their case,” with avoidance, with vagueness, with inaccurate reporting. As a result, I feel very much out of the loop, and that’s the last place I want to be.

Finally, I realized that I’m making it worse. She’s riled up, I’m riled up, she’s in guilt-trip/martyr mode, and I’m just mad. And none of this is helping my dad.

Isn’t that all I really want? To help him? Yes. Of course, I want to help her too, but if she won’t allow it, then I must figure out how to best help him in the current reality instead of in my dreams.

I expect it will ebb and flow as the disease progresses and that Mom will reach a breaking point, and there will be a crisis. To be honest, that feels frustrating because I think it can be avoided. But that is out of my hands.

What is in my hands? Being determined to love them well and to honor them as the Lord would have me do. I must get a grip on my emotions and focus on Dad and his needs until Mom is ready for help with hers.

Today, I’ve landed here, in the light of 1 Peter 4:8: My job is to love, no matter what is said or done to/about me. My next job is to forgive when it happens. And finally, even though I have backed off and put a bit of distance between my Mom and me (for now), that does not exclude me from spending precious one-on-one time with my dad.

This does not feel easy to me. But I know that God loves them both desperately, and I can take my cue from Him. With His help I can love like that too.

Above all, keep loving each other earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Angie Clayton is an author, editor, and speaker who ministers to the hurting. Married for 36 years, her two kids and four grandkids are her supreme delight. She can be reached through her website.

Tracy Crump dispenses hope in her award-winning book, Health, Healing, and Wholeness: Devotions of Hope in the Midst of Illness (CrossLink Publishing: 2021). A former intensive care nurse, she cared for her parents and her mother-in-law and understands both the burdens and joys of caregiving. Her devotions have been featured in Guideposts books, The Upper Room, and many other publications, and she has contributed 26 stories to Chicken Soup for the Soul® books. She also conducts writing workshops, produces a newsletter for writers, and does freelance editing. But her most important job is Grandma to five completely unspoiled grandchildren.