Guest post by Sherri Mercer
When Dad was diagnosed with cancer, the fine print of his insurance policy turned my world upside down. In-home care was not covered. My parents shared a tender moment, then expressed their desire to move to an assisted living facility. They wanted to stay together and not burden the family.
I told them my husband and I would care for them in their home, “promising” never to place them in a nursing home. Their care was my responsibility. I wanted them to feel loved and appreciated, surrounded by friends and family in the comfort of their home.
Four months later, everything changed when Dad had a seizure. He experienced significant cognitive decline, and dementia crept in, stealing the man we all knew and loved. We were left to make a difficult decision: to suspend his chemotherapy. My dad required skilled care—placement in a nursing home. We agreed to a short-term placement. But once he was stable, we would bring him home.
What about the promise I made? I could only say, “Daddy, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Less than a month later, my dad was found unresponsive and transported to a hospital. The next day, he was placed in hospice. His cancer had spread. He never returned home. My unkept promise was heart wrenching.
In those moments of guilt, I clung to Psalm 52—Be gracious to me, God, according to Your faithfulness, according to the greatness of your compassion…Wash me thoroughly from my guilt (1a, 2a, NASB).
I held fast to God’s promise to wash away my feelings of failure. He sees the bigger picture, even when we can’t. Caregiving is an act of love but also a reminder of our human limits. God’s promises are unwavering, but ours can falter. Feeling guilty is normal, but allow yourself to embrace God’s amazing grace.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9 KJV
Sherri T. Mercer, a passionate writer driven by her love for God and family, writes from life experiences. She cared for her father and now provides support for her mother. She understands the challenges and joys of caregiving and enjoys connecting with those on a similar journey. She has written a quarterly Young Adult Sunday School Curriculum for the Sunday School Publishing Board. Sherri is a Pastor’s wife, mother, caregiver, and women’s ministry speaker.
Tracy Crump dispenses hope in her award-winning book, Health, Healing, and Wholeness: Devotions of Hope in the Midst of Illness (CrossLink Publishing: 2021). A former intensive care nurse, she cared for her parents and her mother-in-law and understands both the burdens and joys of caregiving. Her devotions have been featured in Guideposts books, The Upper Room, and many other publications, and she has contributed 26 stories to Chicken Soup for the Soul® books. She also conducts writing workshops, produces a newsletter for writers, and does freelance editing. But her most important job is Grandma to five completely unspoiled grandchildren.
You did what you could do
Thank you so much, Son. I did do my best for your granddaddy. He was special to all of us and especially to you. He appreciated the care you extended to him. His final wish was that he share with you three things—I remember—he said, You are smart, you are handsome, and you will do well in life. I’d say he knew you, well. Hold on to your dreams.
Wow, I never know this story about Mr Frank. I know that a few months after this, my brother passed away. Dennis and Mr. Frank were both very important staples in the congregation of Mt. Olive. Whether it was a quick “pull your pants up!”, “take that earring out” or “put a belt on and take your shirt in!”…. They both helped mold me into the man I am today! I find myself saying those same things to the youth today 🙂
After my brother had passed away in 2018, I felt guilty as well! He had malfunctioning kidneys and there was an option where we could see if he could get a transplant from a loved one/family member. Unfortunately, we never got to start the process due to his demise. I found myself saying those dreaded words, “I felt like I could have done something to save him”. During this time, I was really close with Mrs. Sherri and Marvin Mercer. One of the quotes that really stuck with me was, “God’s got you, and I got you!” My brother’s death was very devastating to me because I never realized he was 4 people inside of one. He was a role model, father figure, best friend and my therapist. His favorite scripture was Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me”.
I am sad to hear about your story with your family and Mr. Frank’s story. I loved him dearly. I am glad I was there to help during this tough time and vice versa for mine! Another moment that sticks with me was experiencing the Mercer family hosting and officiating the funeral. They took great care of me and the close family with lots of care and support. I have a very special relationship with their son, Zacharias Frank Mercer. I watched him carry my brother’s final resting vessel to rest and moments like that, you just can’t forget and I appreciate him for that courageous act! I love you guys and thank for holding such a special place in my heart.
Thank you, Elijah, for such a sweet testimony to this godly man!
Elijah thank you for those beautiful words. You and Zach filled my heart with your posts. Your brother Dennis, passed almost one month to the day of my father. We lost two giants from our congregation within two months. But God knew and had prepared us all. While it didn’t lessen our heart pain, our spiritual minds accepted that they were in their desiresd place of rest. They both loved and dedicated their lives to the Lord. Dad loved the young men he saw in you and my son. I’m thankful you had each other during this time. Thank you again, Elijah. And yes, Marvin and I both love you as our third son❤️.
“Caregiving is an act of love but also a reminder of our human limits.” A powerful reality in a few words. Thank you for sharing from your heart, Sherri. Praying for you.
Thank you, Diana. Caregiving has been the most challenging act in my life, but it has also been rewarding. We are often so busy that we miss the small, precious moments in life. Giving care to my father and now to my mother has forced me to slow down to their pace, a peaceful space spent appreciating life at its essence—loving and praising the Lord for another day on this journey. Thank you for your kind words.
Reading this brought me right back to last year when my mom took sick and suddenly lost her independence. Her biggest fear was me putting her in a nursing home—she just wanted to go home. But the hospital wouldn’t release her, and she had to go into a rehab facility for three months until insurance cut her off, saying she’d made “no progress.” After years of paying in, we were shocked to see how little extended care was actually covered.
As an only child with a husband and three kids, I felt torn—guilty for not being able to give her all the time she once gave me. I wanted her safe, with 24-hour care, but I also knew how much she dreaded long-term placement. Through constant prayer, I leaned on God for strength, comfort, and release from guilt. Months later, after many hard talks, my mom agreed that if home care became unaffordable or too heavy a burden, then a facility would be the last resort.
Her health crisis reminded me that caregiving is never simple, but God’s grace steadies us in the hard places where guilt and love collide.
“God’s grace steadies us in the hard places where guilt and love collide.” I love this, Tish. Thank you for sharing your story. Let me know if you’d ever like to contribute a post. You can contact me at https://tracycrump.com/contact/
So sorry for the emotional pain of feeling like you broke a promise. When I was 24/7 caregiver for my husband, I had NOT made any promise. BUT the pain of being forced to place him into a nursing home was horrible. He died within a month. It almost haunts me.
God bless you for your compassionate heart and love for your family.
I’m so sorry for your pain, too, Toni. We do the best we can do, and God knows that.
Thank you, Toni, for sharing. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my dad. Through prayer and study, the Spirit within me assures me that I made the right decision. The Lord blessed my father to be cared for by former students who worked at the facility. The Lord always provides. He will give you the comfort you need to find peace with your choice, too. Bless you for the love you showed toward your husband.
“God’s grace steadies us in the hard places where guilt and love collide.” Wow, this is a powerful word of encouragement, Tish. Yes, His Amazing Grace meets us in our low spaces. It’s that amazing grace and new mercies provided daily that take us through the “difficult” days of navigating the paperwork and bureaucracy of giving care. Praying that as you continue caring for your mom, you’ll feel fewer days of guilt and more love from family, and your Best Friend, the Lord.
Oh, Sherri–I feel for you, and I pray you’ll fully embrace God’s grace. He gives it in whatever measure we need. After I took care of my dad throughout his whole cancer journey, we decided to build a home that we thought was our “forever” home–and designed it specifically so we could care for our parents should they become infirm. They would have had a private suite on the first floor–with a fully handicap-accessible bathroom–just off the main hallway, near the laundry room, but fully private. We could see the relief in our parents’ eyes when they saw the house go up. But it wasn’t built properly–and within a month of moving in, we noticed water intrusion that was the tip of the iceberg. We all got sick with what was later diagnosed as mold toxicity. An invasive inspection of the home revealed numerous structural issues that had caused mold to grow inside the walls and subfloors of the entire first floor, probably even before we moved in. We had to flee that home. The builder finally gave us back our money, but not only after a legal battle. We eventually recovered enough to buy a much smaller home with a first-floor bedroom (but not the amenities we’d built into our dream home). We couldn’t care for our parents like we wanted to, and they all ended up in assisted living or dementia care. I don’t know why those things happen, but I do know God is still good. I blogged about that here; maybe it will encourage you: https://www.lanachristian.com/how-i-truly-know-god-is-good/
Oh, what a nightmare, Lana. I’m so sorry that happened. I know it disappointed you all. Thank you for encouraging Sherri.
Thank you, Lana, for sharing that beautiful post. It made my heart sing and reminded me of the smile on my Daddy’s face when he moved to his new home in eternity. He’s happy now, and that brings us indescribable peace. Even now, seven years later, I still miss my Daddy, but I know he’s healed. I have the joy of caring for Momma, and we often laugh at the funny things Daddy used to say. He shared so much wisdom. Mom and I live by the words in Nehemiah 8:10, “the joy of the Lord is our strength,” every day. Praising Him amid your trials allows others to see God’s presence even in the valley. Yes, God is good. Thank you for your encouraging reply.