We seldom see frozen precipitation in the Mid-South, especially in August, but a freak blizzard had apparently struck my parents’ house. Snow-white material I couldn’t identify covered their deck.
Once inside, I asked, “What happened?”
My mother waved me off. “I had to shake out the sheets.”
“Shake what out of the sheets?”
I soon discovered she had inadvertently washed an incontinence pad along with her wet linens. The polymers in those pads do a great job of absorbing water and make a beautiful bubbly material when combined with laundry detergent. I spent the next thirty minutes scooping gel from Mom’s washing machine and sweeping artificial snow from the deck. (I never knew how hard it was to scrape gel from weathered wood planks—but I’m educated now.)
Mom grew up in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl in the middle of the Great Depression. She had always been a hard worker. When her memory began to decline, her judgment declined with it, yet it never occurred to her to do anything but take care of herself. “I need help” wasn’t in her vocabulary. She wouldn’t dream of imposing on her daughter.
How could I convince her she was causing more trouble for me by not asking for help than by trying to do things on her own? As incontinence became more of a problem and I found myself having to clean up bedside commode spills, I looked for ways to help without destroying her self-respect.
Sometimes I arrived at her house earlier and made a fellowship time of changing the bed together. At others, I told her emptying the bedside commode reminded me of my nursing days and asked her to leave that job for me. (Hey, we do what we have to do!) Her physical decline eventually made these pretexts no longer necessary, and we had caregivers assume the responsibilities.
While it would have been easier to insist on taking over Mom’s chores, it was more important to me to preserve her dignity. It may take a little creative thinking, but we can find ways to help without impinging on a loved one’s self-worth.
How have you handled a problem like this?
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1 NIV
Tracy Crump dispenses hope in her award-winning book, Health, Healing, and Wholeness: Devotions of Hope in the Midst of Illness (CrossLink Publishing, 2021). A former intensive care nurse, she cared for her parents and her mother-in-law and understands both the burdens and joys of caregiving. Her devotions have been featured in Guideposts books, The Upper Room, and many other publications, and she has contributed 22 stories to Chicken Soup for the Soul® books. She also conducts writing workshops, freelance edits, and proofreads for Farmers’ Almanac. But her most important job is Grandma to five completely unspoiled grandchildren.
What a lovely, selfless way to give your mom dignity and meet her emotional needs. I wish this blog had existed when I cared for my mom!
Aw, thank you, Lana. You do so much to make this blog better!
Tracy, your gentleness and care for others’ feelings is evident in this story of you helping your mother. A tender heart and hand.
Thank you, Janis. It’s hard not to take over sometimes to expedite things. Can’t say I never did, but I tried to think of how she felt.
Thank you for preserving your mother’s dignity, Tracy. Keeping priorities straight often takes an extra amount of effort but is so worth it.
So true, Diana. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and try to do too much for them just to save time.
I love your options of making it a joint effort and creating ways to let her know you “enjoyed” helping. My mother (another stubborn nurse) liked things done a particular way – such as making her bed. So when I could see it was too much for he,r instead of saying what immediately sprung to mind (“I KNOW how to make a bed, Mom!) I’d say “Give me directions . . . like this?” and do it HER way. Graciously receiving her feedback and allowing her as much control as possible helped reduce some of her frustrations with her inability to do (what used to be) simple tasks.
I love this, Shel. What a sweet, thoughtful daughter you were. No better way to preserve your mom’s dignity.
I love this example of providing dignity along with care for an elder. As caregivers, it’s so easy to focus on care needs and safety and to give dignity a back seat. It can seem less important, when it needs to be the primary focus. Thank you for showing that.
Thank you, Ann. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and forget their emotional needs. I know there were times I did that but tried to treat her the way I would want to be treated.